(Fr. Jose Kottayil, Secretary K.C.B.C Family Commission)
Introduction
Family, the cradle of society, today in the whole world, is being challenged from a host of forces and that cause it to crumble. Some of the challenges are internal, and some others are external. Kerala is also no exception to this phenomenon. For the proof, one only needs to look at our news papers and TV. Almost every day the media tell us about crime, abuse, uncontrolled sexuality, poverty stricken families, neglected children, drug and alcoholic abuses, suicides, activities of militant groups, murder, theft etc..
It is important at the outset to mention that there is a mutual dependence between society and the family. Society depends much on the family and society in its turn influences the family. The economic, social, psychological and civil climate of today has a severely disturbing effect on family life ( GS, 47). The famous statement of Pope John Paul II is true, that the society passes through the family ( FC, 86). Here the question is whether the family is fully aware of the modern influences in it and is strong enough to withstand these influences. In this article I only point out some of the challenges which the families are facing today.
1. Internal Challenges
Inside the families we experience day by day more conflict, tension, insensitivity, communication breakdown, and more abuse. The present social situation is that family members face endless demands that rob them of their time, pull them apart, and disrupt their hopes for family unity and stability
1.1 Internal Crisises Arising in Day to day Life
All families have inevitable stresses (FC, 59) that shake their worlds, like death in the family, old age, an young person becomes a drug addict, one or more members slide into alcohol addiction, a handicapped child, unexpected serious illness, accidents, a sudden financial crisis, business failure, sexual and physical abuse occur behind closed doors…. list is endless. Many families are not often prepared to face these situations. In these situations the families need help from the society, the Church and from friends and relatives. It is also important that the families seek professional help to overcome the crisises, but usually they are reluctant.
Here we need well formed family apostolate personal, who will find ways to help families who struggle with interpersonal tension, domestic conflict, financial pressures, persistent failures and emotional agitation. We also need to develop the most effective family counseling and other forms of care giving and intervention, so that broken families are healed and potential and family problems are avoided and prevented.
1.2 Lack of Adequate Preparation for Family Life
We are still not fully aware or are not seriously taking the need of an adequate preparation for family life. And we have to remember that this happens in a society, which demands preparation for anything and everything. Preparation for family is important for the following reasons.
1.2.1 Marriage and Family Life is a Vocation
According to Christian understanding, marriage and family life is a vocation to holiness. Gaudium it Spes teaches, “ Spouses, therefore, are fortified and, as it were, consecrated for the duties and dignity of their state by a special sacrament; fulfilling their conjugal and family role by virtue of this sacrament, spouses are penetrated with the spirit of Christ and their whole life is suffused by faith, hope and charity; thus they increasingly further their own perfection and their mutual sanctification, and together they render glory to God” (no.48). That asks of the couples, to accept and respond that call as God wants it. Without adequate and constant preparation this is not possible
The Church therefore recommends conscious and systematic preparation for marriage in three stages, Remote (0-12 years), proximate (12-24 years), and immediate (mate selection, betrothal and celebration of marriage) (cf FC, 66-67; Pontifical council for the family, 1996).
In order to fulfill the promises and to live intimately with the spouse one needs to cultivate virtues like courage, hope, endurance, generosity, forgiveness etc… ( Abad, J. and Fenoy,E., 988). Success in marriage and family life will not happen automatically. It has to be consciously lived out. Certain skills are inevitable for marriage to be successful. Skills in communication, skills to resolve problems, skill to handle differences, skills to train children, skills to balance family and work, skills to relate with in-laws and relatives (cf Kottayil, 2006).
1.2.2 Training in Love
God has given us the capacity of love, (GS 12),it is inscribed in the humanity of man and women (FC, 11) but we have to develop it. Love is the fundamental and innate vocation of every human being (FC, 11). Since family has the mission to guard, reveal a communicate love” (FC 17) a correct training in love is essential that consists in the ability to give and receive love; accept the other’s needs as one’s own.
Pope Paul VI ( 1968) exactly presented the characteristic marks and the demands of conjugal love. 1) It is fully human, means it encomposes not only the sensible part of man but his spiritual part as well . 2) It is total love, on account of the complete self giving it entails. 3) It is also a love that is faithful and exclusive until death. 4) And lastly it is a fecund love, because it is not exhausted by the communion between the couples, but is destined to continue rising up new lives (HV, 9). Christian view of marriage, thus, calls for the harmonious development of the physical, affective, spiritual and supernatural aspects of conjugal love and it needs education in love.
1.2.3 Unrealistic expectation and romantic love
Cinema, TV, novels, short stories etc., present a picture of marriage relationships devoid of reality. People who enter marriage with this distorted vision will certainly create many problems. Media emphasize romantic love. But it is ambivalent, romantic love is unable to cope with changing circumstances. Romantic love has been guilty of promoting the deceptive notion that peak emotional experiences are the norm. But for genuine love to develop, more is required than merely sharing love passions and romantic myths. Love is built on a commitment to care for another person. It is a more stable, more predictable, less exciting, less self-centered love. Young people must be educated in real genuine human love (Small, 1988).
1.2.4 Education in the correct meaning of sex
Human beings give many complex meaning to sexuality. It is taken as playful, joyful, pleasurable; can be used to console, encourage, thank, communicate, give pleasure and express love. It can also be used selfishly to dominate, bargain, relieve tension, even to punish, insult and exploit (Manalel, 2003).
Two extreme views on sex are prevalent in many minds and that cause serious problems in marital life. The old attitude, which even held by some today, is that marriage and sex are necessary evil; today the other extreme is getting upper hand, that marriage is only sex. Kerala is already succumb to sexual revolution. Pre-marital, extra marital, same sex relations abuse of women and children are plaguing our society. Youth defines the wife as wonderful instrument for enjoyment or entertainment. Contraceptives made human body simply an object of pleasure (Kottayil, 2004). Sexual education for adolescent and youths is an urgent need of the time. There it is necessary to present the relation of sex to love and procreation, since both these values are interrelated in God’s plan (HV 12; cf GS, 51; Pontifical council for the family, 1995), sanctity of sex, fidelity and respect for the other sex .
1.2.5 Goal difference
Marriage is a commitment. Yet, when people get married, the real nature of that commitment is not often regarded in terms of goals. Many conflicts occur in marriage, because of lack of awareness of what their goals are individually or as a couple. Partners need to consider their material, spiritual and economic goals. Unlike the olden times-there one looked only, whether the husband provides for the family or the wife does the household jobs properly – today marriage is seen as more companionship: Couples seek psychological and emotional satisfaction and happiness from marriage and also ego support. If it is not reliazed, there will be problems in marital life (Kottayil, 2005). This demands again good preparation for marriage and that consists in forming a healthy personality.
Awareness of the differences between the needs of male and female is a must for the couples to live a good marital life. Studies show the priorities of male-female needs in their order: male’s needs are : 1) companionship 2) sexual satisfaction 3) love 4) children 5) family. The priorities of female’s needs are slight different: 1) affection 2) security 3) companionship 4) children 5) sexual satisfaction.
1.2.6 Ongoing Education
Marital life is an ongoing process of mutual psychological negotiations aimed at building a relationship satisfying to both parties, as they meet and respond to the challenges of making a life together. Proper understanding of the ‘family life cycle’, its tasks and challenges, must be known to the couples: first years of marriage, birth of children, children become adolescents, children leave home (empty nest experience); middle age, retirement, old age, death of the partner (FC 77; Kottayil, 2006). Lot of things happen in family life: physical and psychological changes like Menopause, Andropause, sexual impotency, frigidity, sexual disinterest, premature ejaculations, powerlessness, depression, unrest, pain etc. The families should get help in these occasions. The Church and the society have to help and train all its members to face the problems that arise in their marital and family cycle. Small groups for couples, marriage enrichment programmes, seminars, couple retreats are means to help the families.
1.2.7 Immaturity
Immaturity of one partner or of both partners creates problems in marriage and in the family life in fulfilling their marital duties or in living up to their ideals. A minimum maturity in all levels – physical, psychological, emotional, intellectual, sexual, social, economic, moral, spiritual – is an essential requirement for successful married and family life (Vicenti, 1990). “To insure a happy marriage a man must not only pick the right wife but he must live in such a way that he convinces his wife that she has picked the right husband” (W.A. Herby). The general tendency is that people are not giving due importance to this fact in marriage, they give prime importance to wealth, family status, now a days the chance to go abroad, etc.
1.3 Abuses
It is a big subject needs in-depth study. Families are experiencing different types of abuses – abuses of children, spouse, elderly and that is physically, sexually, emotionally and verbally. Here I want to mention only something about verbal abuse. It is happening often in every family. Words hurt severely, if they demean, intent to cut and focus on the victims weakness. In many families, some members are systematically diminished by the others, and it is called emotional abuse. It may involve belittling, deliberate humiliation, nagging, unfavourable comparisons. As a result the victim thinks he/ she is unworthy as a person. It is said that in Kerala all kinds of abuses are on the increase. Cultural acceptance of violence, mental illness, alcoholism and drug addiction, personality problems are the main causes of it.
1.4 In-law Problems
In our culture marriage is still considered not only a relation of husband and wife, but also of the two families, involving parent, brothers, sisters and even uncles and aunts. Over interference of in-laws in the life of the couples causes problems. Over protection and possessive love to children from the part of the parents impede the establishment of healthy relationship among the couples. The young couple need help and sufficient freedom to adapt to the new situation.
1.5 Stress coming from different beliefs and values
It is a proven fact that deeply held beliefs, attitudes and values can have a powerful impact on families and family members. Examples are different religious beliefs or attitudes about life styles. When ideas clash families experience serious disappointments and sufferings. For marriage, now a days, few look into the values of the partners, even though they know sharing of the same values and interest and almost the same expectation from life are important. The increasing cases of mixed marriages ( FC, 78), some family members entering a sect or an atheistic group (FC 77) are all destroying the peace of mind in the family.
“Ignorance of the divine things” ( Pius X, 1905) also will cause problems in married and family life. This is perhaps the great ailments of the age. Marriage has a faith dimension also. That is why, the Church demands a certain degree of moral and spiritual dispositions of those being married, in particular to their faith (FC, 68). Unity and indissolubility are divine requirements for marriage ( cf. Mt 19/3-12). Faith grows weak and is almost dead chiefly because the work of teaching Christian doctrine is either performed carelessly or is entirely omitted. A renewal of family catechesis will help to overcome the situation.
External Challenges
2.1 Cataclysmic Change
We are living in a world which changes cataclysmically. Alwin Toffler in 1970 observed, change would sweep “with waves of ever accelerating speed and unprecedented impact”. He also predicted, though family is the ‘schock absorber’, it would also coming for some schocks of its own. And the world now experiences it. Change strips away the values and radically alters the way of living: higher marriage age, decreasing of births, increasing number of abortions, shift from traditional extended families to nuclear families, increasing number of divorces, broken families, unemployment, neglect of the elderly, materialism and consumerism etc… These certainly undermine the very foundation of marriage and healthy family life (Thoppil, 2005).
2.2 False concept of Freedom
Today we hear everywhere the slogans for individualism, autonomy, independence, self-fulfillment, freedom etc.. (Clapp,1993). The root cause of negative signs we see in the families is in fact the degradation of human freedom, as what our selfish ego would like to do. Pope John Paul II correctly observed it, “ At the root of these negative phenomena there frequently lies a corruption of the idea and the experience of freedom, conceived not as a capacity for realizing the truth of God’s plan for marriage and the family, but as an autonomous power of self-affirmation, often against others, for one’s own selfish well-being” (FC, 6). Pope Benedict XVI (2005) also sees in many of the evils related to family life, a misuse of freedom. Only in terms of love and service we can exercise true freedom. “ For you were called to freedom, brothers and sisters: only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for self indulgence but through love become slaves to one another” (Gal 5/13-14). The true exercise of freedom in marriage and in the family should achieve the total fulfillment of the human person: husband and wife; they are not mere bodies, but human persons ( Bendict XVI, 2005). Marriage is in fact mutual self - gift of the couples in freedom, to live a communion of life and love.
We can’t deny that commitment of individualism can help one to succeed in careers, pursue unique dreams, achieve economically, find personal fulfillment in life etc. But these may not be always good for the families. We always stood for the family unity. The overemphasis on individualism is the cause for father absence in home, easy divorce, failure of grown up children caring for older parents, extreme feminism, authoritarian male domination, free unions, trial marriages, manipulation of the body etc…
2.3 Depersonalized And Dehumanized Society
Our society is becoming more and more dehumanized and depersonalized day by day. Money, pleasure, competitions and selfish interest are valued more than the person’s good, dignity and value. In the place of fraternity and communion, polarisations, fundamentalism and distrust, are taking roots in the society. Love, justice, peace, respect for others are gradually vanishing from the human relationships. Any kind of violence is inflicted on people. A “culture of death” (EV) is pervading our society. Family relationships are also affected by this mentality.
2.4 Consumeristic Culture
Consumerism reigns in our societies. People buy and accumulate any number of goods, without considering its necessity and it is even taking loans and using credit cards. It is estimated that in consumerism Kerala is the first place, among the Indian states, and so we have more number of TV, automobiles, mobile phones, big houses, beauty parlours, jewellery shops, cosmetic shops. (Karackat, 2003). We wear more gold ornaments, use more costly cosmetic articles and luxury goods (Samakalika Malayalam , 2006).
In the cosumeristic culture man is valued not for what one “is”, but for what one “has”. In that culture, only what is enjoyable and useful is considered good and worthwhile. The result of this in the family is clear, the elderly and the children are considered to be obstacles and burden to the enjoyment of life and hence many families try to get rid of them. Cut-throat competition and accumulation of money through any means, commercial interest become the order of the day. Family relationship will not flourish in this culture.
2.5 Negative Influence of Media
Media – T.V, cinema, internet, cyber clinics, mobile phones, news papers – create and favour a new culture. Because of the media, sacredness of family values, like marital fidelity, indissolubility, family commitments are denigrated; these values are presented as burdensome and detrimental to the personal developments of the individual person. Consumerism is fostered. Again through these media pornography is entering in the sanctuary of the family life and destroying the peace of mind of the members. Further, media propagate divorce more acceptable, sex more recreational and a cheap commodity, marriage more temporary, child rearing more burdensome, family commitments more rare, stable family relationships more impossible and homosexuality more “natural”. John Paul II (2004) referred to these as the risk of media .
Where media, especially TV, dominate academic achievement of children tends to be lower, their sensitivity to violence is dulled, sexual immorality is taken for granted.
It is the duty of the media personnel to avoid anything that could harm the family in its existence, its stability, its balance and its happiness. Every attack on the fundamental value of the family is an attack on the true good of man (FC, 76).
2.6 Male Domination
Though ideally despised, male domination and discrimination against women are still prevalent in our society (FC 24). They are abused sexually, mentally and physically in society and in the family. In the place of inferior –superior attitudes, equal partnership of the sexes must be fostered and that should become the basis of healthy family relationships. But the pervasive gender inequality prevent women from asserting their rights. Vigorous and incisive action is needed to overcome this discrimination definitively, so that the image of God that shines in all human beings without exception may be fully respected (cf. FC, 24) ‘Mulieris Dignitatem’ presents the position of the church on this matter.
2.7 Globalization
Globalization imports not only products, but also values, often they are unethical. A debased morality and a culture devoid of family values, like free unions, trail marriages, same sex marriages, divorce, abortions, contraceptives, euthanasia, free sex, pre-marital and extra-marital relationships are also imported. The political maneuvering to obtain legal status for these pose a great threat to the institution of marriage and the family.
As a result of globalization we face a fluctuating economy. In Kerala, the farmers are more affected by it, and they constitute 70 percent of our population. They undergo depression, anxiety, psychological distress, and as a result less cohesion in the family and many commit suicides. Kerala has the highest percentage of suicides and attempted suicides. It is estimated that more than 29 out of 1 lakhs people commit suicide in Kerala. Here we have to remember that the national average is only 9.5 percent.
2.8 Moving Families
In search of better living, families move in great numbers to industrialized urban setting or high tech metropolitan cities or to foreign countries. That distances them from the supportive system of kith and kin. Life has become more hectic, tough, tense and devoid of personal relationships. As a result psychological problems increase among the Malayalees (Karackat,2004) .
2.8.1 Dually employed couples.
To meet the needs of the family both spouses are compelled to work. Dually employed situation can become stressful for couples, if both husband and wife do not share household chores and cares of children. If parents do not find enough time to spend with little children, their emotional and psychological growth will be thwarted. In many cases socialization of children comes through TV and other media and consequently education is alienated from the parents. That can lead later to family conflicts over values and attitudes. Here what is valued is, work, career building and the materialism of a consumer based economy, automatically families get pushed aside.
Dually employed couples have to face another challenge also. Since more and more women have become earning members of the family, there is more emphasis on shared decision-making and equality of rights in marriage. In fact, many couples are not properly trained to deal this new situation. When mutual consent is lacking in important areas, marriage will suffer.
2.8.2 Distanced Couples, Parents and Children
Another issue, which affects many families in Kerala is couples living apart for the sake of job, one partner lives outside Kerala or even abroad. It is said that more than 30 lakhs of Keralites live in a foreign land, majority in Gulf countries (20 lakhs), and only twenty percent live as family. This particular situation paves the way for extramarital relationships and alcoholism. In some cases parents and children also compelled to live apart. In many cases one parent has to look after the children, mostly mothers and it is a form of single parenting. This seriously affects the psychological development of the children. They lack proper guidance and role models and that create great void in their lives, personality disorders and mental illness.
2.9 Interference of the State
The family is by God’s will, the institution destined for the handing on and development of human life as such it is prior to society. The rights of the family is thus sacred, the state cannot fail to recognize them or trample them. Against this, today many states promulgate laws which are contrary to family values; for example laws favoring abortion, sterilization, use of contraception, divorce, artificial life production, civil marriage, euthanasia, same sex marriage etc. It allows for the decadence of morality, thus family must come forward for its own defense (FC, 72).
In Kerala the divorce rate is increasing steadily; every family court has more than 5000 cases annually.
Keralites are also in the forefront in procuring abortion. It is an unconscionable violation of fundamental moral precept, the sanctity of human life. In abortion the rights of the unborn infant are terminated, since human life begins at the time of conception (Evangelium Vitae).
2.10 Old People Are Neglected
Nutritious food and better medicinal care increased the life span of our people. Number of elderly people are increasing. In 1991 we had in Kerala 25.5 lakhs old people; in 10 years it has increased to 34.4 lakhs, and it is estimated that in 2051 it will be 117.3 lakhs. In many families they are lonely because children live abroad. More than one hundred five star oldage homes are already established in Kerala and in this case also we are first in India. Old people in poor families are suffering, because children find difficult to care them.
2.11 Substance Abuse
Abuse of alcoholism and drugs are the root of great number of family problems and of family dissolution. The fact that Kerala stand first among the Indian States for the consumption of alcohol must disturb us (Karackat, 2004). The policy of the state favors alcoholism. The fisherman community is more affected by alcoholism (25 percent). Alcoholic families are marked by poor communications, lack of trust, denial, physical and emotional neglect, sexual abuse and poverty. Children of alcoholics have burden of pain and personal problems.
3. CONCLUSION
These challenges show us how difficult it is to build healthy families in a rapidly changing world. The Church has to give the vision of the family – Plan of God – to the people. It is an intimate community of life and love (GS 52). To actualize this vision, we have to strongly present:
Marriages in which love, faithfulness and commitment are priorities that guide behavior and strengthen relationships.
Marriages with clear communications, mutual respect, a willingness to allow each other to develop his or her potential and mutually satisfying sexual pleasure. Human sexuality and all other realities of human life that constitute marriage and the family, are not merely related to the body, but to the human person.
Families with humor, compassion, genuine friendship and freedom from violence, ridicule and conflict.
Parents who responsibly and with generosity bring forth children, knowing that in this mission they are co-operating with God, the creator.
Homes in which parents are teachers and mentors giving their children solid spiritual and cultural roots, teaching their children values for making decision, admitting their own mistakes, and slowly relinquishing control, so that their children have freedom to build stable marriages and families of their own.
Families who maintain contact with their extended family members, who are actively involved in a parish church and who reach out to others in acts of caring, support and Christian love.
Families who do not ignore the political and social forces that threaten to tear society apart, but who resist these forces in ways that show respect, determination and clear informed thinking.
Families who commit to God in Jesus Christ, through the Church; who make their home a domestic church (Collins, 1995). Above all we have to remember that only with the help of God and union with Him we can face these challenges and overcome them.
Foot Notes
- John Paul II, Familiaris Consortio, Vatican, ( 1981).
- John Paul II , Evangelium Vitae, Vatican, (1995).
- John Paul II, Mulieris Dignitatem, Vatican, (1998).
- John Paul II, The media and the family: a risk and the richness, massage of the 38th world communication day ( 2004).
- Pontifical council for the family, Preparation for the sacrament of marriage, Vatican, (1996).
- Abad, J. , and Fenoy, E., Marriage a path to sanctity, Manila (1988) 163-72.
- Small, D.H., Love is Something we Learn, in Hendricks, H. and J., (ed), Husband and Wives, Illinois (1988 ) 37-38 .
- Manalel, G., Pastoral care of the family: A psychological reflection on Familiaris Consortio, in Indian Journal of family Studies Vol 1 (1, 2003) 106-7.
- Pontifical council for the family, The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality, Vatican, (1995).
- Thoppil,J., Family Catechesis: Meaning, Goals and importance, in Indian journal of Family Studies vol 3, (3, 2005) 24.
- Toffler, A., Future Schock, NY, (1970) 211.
- Bendict XVI, Address to Rome’s Ecclesial Diocesan Convention: “Living the Truth that God Loves his People, L’ Osservatore Romano, (15/06/2005),
- Karackat, F., Family relationships in 21st century (Malayalam)Kochi (2003).
- Samakalika Malayalam X (17, Sept 2006) 17-66 analyses some of the trends of malayalees.
- Karackat, F., Changing Kerala (Malayalam), Kochi (2004).
- Collins, G.R , Family Shock, Illinois, (1995) 373-374.
- Clapp, R., Families at the cross roads: Beyond traditional and modern options, Bowners Grove ( 1993 ) 157 -165.
- Pius X, Acerbo Nimis ( On Teaching Christian Doctrine), Vatican (1905) No. 2.
- Paul VI, Humanae Vitae, Vatican (1968) .
- Kottayil, J., Kudumbajeevitham (Malayalam, articles on family life, ) Kochi (2005) 78-80 ;107-109.
- Kottayil, J., Dambathyajeevidam Malayalam, (articles on Married life), Kochi ( 2006) 60-75 ; 77-117.
- Vincenti, A., Maturita personale e matrimonio, in Martini, N. De.(ed) Viaggio Intorno alla Coppia, Torino ( 1990) 29-45;169-180.
